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I just got done reading ‘Elegant Warrior’ by Heather Hansen – finished it in an afternoon.  I’m a slow reader, and one who gets distracted easily, for me to finish a book of any size in one afternoon is quite a feat.

​Once I got into Hansen’s stories from the courtroom and how they apply to real life I was amazed at how many of them I had experienced both in my professional and personal life.  I couldn’t put the book down.  As I read on I learned that I made a lot of the same mistakes Hansen has made in her own career, interestingly enough my learning lessons were very similar, just not in a courtroom thankfully.

Doing the right thing at the right time while keeping your class, elegance and respect isn’t easy.  Especially when you’re in a leadership role and everyone’s watching your every move.
“Leadership is easy!” said no one ever. 

Why is it that leadership is so difficult and hard to master?  Well, for starters it’s a role that is largely trial and error, skill learning in the moment on the job.  That means a lot of what we know and learn over time about being a leader comes from mistakes and blunders people have made before us.  We learn from watching others, Hansen’s ‘Elegant Warrior’ talks about this as well.

My career with leadership was no different.  At the age of 23 I found myself in my first ‘management’ role and was scared out of my mind.  Notice I used the word ‘management’, not leadership.  There’s a big difference in the two.  The spark of a great leader is someone who acknowledges and accepts they don’t know it all and asks for help.  Simple, yet incredibly difficult to put into practice.

As the years went by and my leadership prowess developed, I began to grow more and more confidence in my ability to lead others, influence and develop those around me.  Though my confidence grew, I found as time went on the challenges I was faced with grew in size and significance.  Confidence, or an inflated level of confidence, can be a big black eye for managers as it can cause people to overlook basic ways of leading that should never go unattended.

My father has always told me, “You come from the school of hard knocks, it’s in our family, so don’t fight it, just learn from it.”
And learn I did…

Looking back on my earlier years in leadership there were three incidences I encountered that go down as the biggest mistakes of my career.  While they were indeed mistakes on my part, the learning lessons that came of these situations were priceless to my overall learning and education in the art of leadership.

​Mistake #1 - Hiring the Wrong People
I was a couple years into my leadership role overseeing a technical division.  We were growing and seeing some good success and needed to hire people to keep the growth curve climbing north.  After interviewing a variety of candidates I became inpatient (a lifelong battle of mine) in that I had not found the ideal person to join our mob squad of high performers.  Throughout the interview process there was one person, we’ll call him Negative Norm, who had most of the characteristics I was looking for however it was plain as day to see that he had a hug ego and it was all about what Negative Norm was going to get from us, not what he was going to bring to the team.

With my lack of leadership experience leading my decision making I hired Negative Norm and did the ole ‘cross your fingers and hope for the best’ routine. 

Dang it!  What a dumb mistake that was.  I still cringe about that experience today even though it’s been years since it happened.

Not only did Negative Norm come in and create all sorts of disruption to the great culture we had worked so hard to develop on the team over the years but he also soured one of my best employees.  We end up firing Negative Norm six months into him joining our team, which probably cost our company a boat load of money in tangible and intangible costs, as well as gave me a disenfranchised team and culture.  I then had to deal with a declining all-star on our team who had become transfixed with the notion, thanks to Negative Norm, that he was working too hard and didn’t feel like this was the right place for him.  Prior to disruptive Negative Norm entering our team this all-star employee was the quintessential idea of what a great employee should be.

Lesson #1 as a Result of Mistake #1 – if you can’t find the RIGHT person, don’t make a hiring decision at all.  You’re better off waiting and being patient to find the right person rather than settle for someone who could really make a mess of what you’ve worked so hard to build.

Mistake #2 – Not Dealing with Conflict Head-On
Have you ever had two employees get into a WWF battle royale at your office?  If you haven’t, pray you never have to deal with that because what I witnessed was a linguistics slug fest that would make even the strongest people shiver, or send HR running for the hills.

​Two employees, we’ll call them Jack and Mort, worked together constantly.  Both were high performers with a lot of potential and equally disciplined when it came to their work ethic.  Mort had an affinity for talking down to people and really making those around him feel awful at times.  Sometimes it was intentional, other times it was a complete lack of awareness on how he was coming across to others.  Point being, he had a nasty proclivity for making others feel bad which lead to all sorts of not so delightful challenges on the team.  I was doing my best to deal with it and had thought we were making progress.

One day Jack finally decided he had enough of Mort’s verbal shenanigans and after bantering back and forth unleashed a verbal assault, letting Mort have it.  The may lay interrupted the entire office causing employees who were uninvolved to scuttle into corners near the water coolers to talk about the events.  It was a rather big distraction if you catch what I’m throwing down here.

What did I do?  I took action immediately and called each employee into my office, one at a time, to get their side of the story so I could then come up with a solution to the issue.  What do you know, their stories were completely different from one another.  Shocking.  After talking with a variety of people who were ‘expert witnesses’ and my two lovely employees, I finally deliberated on our course of action to move forward with and presented it Mort and Jack individually. 

Big mistake that was!

While I still stand behind my course of action decision, even today, it wasn’t the decision that got me into hot water.  It was the fact that I never brought BOTH Jack and Mort into a closed door office to hash out what had happened. 

Lesson #2 as a Result of Mistake #2 – If you are in the middle of a conflict resolution issue between two employees and their stories don’t add up the best thing to do is bring both of them into a closed door office and get to the bottom of it.  When people are in front of the other person the issue exists between you’ll find that their recollection of what happened changes as they can’t embellish, finagle or distort the truth.  You also then have a better opportunity, in this case Jack and Mort, of talking things through, with you the leader as the mediator guiding the conversion to a safe landing.

Mistake #3 – Allowing Mediocrity
Similar to mistake #1 however this one had a far bigger impact than what I expected.  I had previously written about this particular mistake along with steps on how to deal with conflict resolution which can be accessed by clicking here.  I had an employee, we’ll call him Dr. Evil, who loved to say all the right things yet his actions never amounted to his words.  Dr. Evil would show up consistently late most mornings, would be up from his desk socializing often during the day and enjoyed a consistent ‘sick day’ every other week, typically on Mondays.

Dr. Evil was a smart cookie.  He knew how to play the game well enough to where he wasn’t on the firing guillotine but also wasn’t on the winners’ podium as a result of his work.  Dr. Evil was mediocre.  His work ethic was lack luster, his results were average at best and his participation on the team was, like old worn in wallpaper, almost unnoticeable.

After finally building up the courage to put Dr. Evil on a performance plan, which ultimately led to his demise, I felt good about my ability to deal with him and ultimately get him off the team.  Until an employee said this to me…

“Wow, I’m shocked we fired Dr. Evil, that was long overdue.  I was beginning to think he would be with us forever and I’d have to pick up the slack.”

Ouch.  That hurt.  What hurt even worse was the employee that said this to me was my top performer!

Lesson #3 as a Result of Mistake #3 – allowing mediocrity on any team is a killer in more ways than one.  Not only does it broadcast that you as a leader aren’t willing to deal with underperformers, it also signals that your expectation for the team and culture of your company/ department, etc. are that of averages.  Nothing special.  No pixy dust.  No special sauce.  What’s worse is that the people who are routinely most impacted negatively by leaderships inability to deal with mediocrity are your top performers. 

When in doubt – move them out.  Jim Collins, author of the book ‘From Good to Great’ says, “Get the right people on the bus and the wrong ones off otherwise it will begin to negatively impact the right ones.”

​Leadership is synonymous with making mistakes.  It’s okay to make mistakes, people don’t expect leaders to be perfect, so long as the leader doesn’t try to act perfect.  Owning ones mistake is a powerful move as it shows you are humble, honest and live realistically.  What isn’t okay is to keep making the same mistake, not learning from them the first time around.

Key Take Away:
You’ll never be an expert at leading, it’s an evolving art form that takes practice, tons of patience and a willingness to listen.  Learn from your mistakes and learn quickly.  When in doubt, don’t make a hiring decision.  You’re better off continuing the search for the right person rather than settling and doing the old ‘fingers crossed, let’s hope this works’ routine.
​
Action Item:
When dealing with conflict in the workplace it’s best if you’ve had experience with tough situations before they occur.  Lot’s of time the result of a conflict at the office has a lot to do with how management handles it.  If you’re cool, calm and collected you’ll stand a better chance of navigating through the conflict and coming out the other side feeling good about the situation and your involvement.  Practice ahead of time!  Get a buddy or a colleague and role play difference conflict resolution scenarios.  Try being both he employer and the person in leadership.  Mix up the scenarios and really test your ability to be patient, ask great questions and most of all LISTEN.  Practice will help immensely with how you deal with future situations.

Last week I had an opportunity to attend an event where the topic of discuss was focused around conflict resolution and crisis management in the workplace.  The conversation was insightful while also delivering a simple message which is applicable to all walks of life – you’re always better off doing everything you can to avoid a conflict from happening rather than worrying about how to deal with it once it occurs.

Meaning, the time you invest in the beginning to avoid a major conflict from occurring is always far better than time you invest after the conflict has happened and now you’re trying to right the ship.

Every day brings about new challenges when it comes to working side by side with people and teams, especially if you’re in a leadership role.  Regardless of a persons’ ability in the leadership arena, it takes guts to be a leader as it’s far easier to be part of the staff than step out and stand on your own.  Leadership and its challenges come in a variety of forms and the method of leadership you choose when confronted with a challenge makes or breaks the outcome.  That’s a lot of pressure for a leader, especially when you are faced with a difficult situation.  Leadership is an evolving art form, incredibly difficult to master as it has a tendency to remind us often how hard leadership is based on the mistakes we make.  One thing is for certain, leadership is synonymous with conflict.

If conflict (or conflict resolution for that matter) is a natural part of being a leader, why is it so many leaders have a difficult time dealing with it?  For starters, few people enjoy conflict.  Life isn’t enjoyable when you’re neck deep in conflict on the daily.  It’s only natural that we have an innate tendency to steer clear of conflict, especially if it isn’t a life or death situation.  Unfortunately, when we avoid conflict, especially in the workplace, it makes things worse as those conflicts have a tendency to fester, growing in size and impact.  Rather than running from conflict, we should face it head on!

Another reason conflict is difficult to deal with is because we’re often dealing with people’s emotions, ideologies and perceptions.  We might not agree with them, or understand it for that matter, but the mark of being a good leader is setting aside your personnel beliefs and listening to the other person, truly hearing them out.  If we can’t listen and try to put ourselves in the shoes of the other person(s), coming to a resolution is nearly impossible as one party will often feel as if they weren’t heard or that they agreed to something they didn’t believe in in the first place.

Luckily if you step into conflict resolution with a strategy you’re far more likely to come out on the back end with a successful resolution.  The five keys to successful conflict resolution are as follows:

​Key #1 – Address Conflict Head On

Great leaders go into conflict willingly, not with the idea they’re going to change the world, but with the idea that they are going to listen and engage the people involved in an empathetic and caring manner.  When we choose to face adversity we have a better chance of coming out on the other end with a successful resolution, happier colleagues and a better work environment. 

Key #2 - Seek to Understand Before Being Understood

If you go into a difficult situation with your mind made up on ‘who did what’ it’s likely you’ll miss the bigger picture and leave your employees feeling like they weren’t heard, as if their side of the story doesn’t matter.  Withholding your personnel feelings in these moments is tough, but a necessity.  When we hear out everyone involved before coming to a conclusion we greatly increase our chance for making the right decision.  I humbly thank my former boss and mentor who taught me this valuable lesson.

Key #3 – Group Discussion

I made a vital mistake early on in my leadership career by listening to each party involved in the conflict I was attempting to mediate then making a decision thereafter without bringing everyone into the same room to squash the ‘he said, she said’ back and forth that often comes up during conflict in the workplace.  If you’re attempting to resolve a conflict between two parties and their stories are completely different from one another, or their account for their part in the situation differs from what’s being said on the other side, bring them both in for an open discussion.  When people have to speak up in front of the other person the conflict exists with you may find that their tune changes as they can’t make accusations that don’t add up or may be exaggerated.  As the old saying goes, “there are three sides to every story - her side, his side and the truth”. (this step may need to be excluded from your process if the conflict is of a serious nature having to do with sexual or discriminatory actions; if that is the case I strongly suggest you get a qualified HR representative or attorney involved immediately rather than trying to deal with the problem yourself)

Key #4 - Seek Advice

Let’s face it, no matter how good of a leader you are there will be times where obtaining advice from outsiders is beneficial.  A leader who asks for help, advice, or perspective from others shows the courage and willingness to want to make good decisions.  The key piece here is if you are going to seek advice on a sensitive situation it must be done from someone uninvolved, preferably outside the organization, this way you limit the blow back from internal gossip or side talk.  Outside feedback is valuable as people who are uninvolved often provide clarity or perspective to tough situations that is difficult to see when you’re in the middle of the conflict.

Key #5 – Explain Your Decision & Ask for Feedback

When dealing with conflict resolution, once you come to the point where a decision is made it is vital to explain the WHY behind your decision to the people or parties involved.  Once you have explained to everyone involved what your decision is you should then seek their feedback to better understand how your decision has landed with those involved.  Be prepared!  It’s possible not everyone will be thrilled with your decision but if you explain the process you took to come to that conclusion and stick to your guns thereafter you show that your ability to resolve conflict is one of process and care for each party involved.

Conflict resolution is a necessary part of being a leader.  The more we willingly involve ourselves in conflict and the process it takes to navigate to a resolution the better you’ll be as a leader in dealing with conflict the next time around. 

Key Take Away
The two best things you can do to help yourself be more comfortable in dealing with conflict resolution is to practice your listening skills and get yourself a mentor or advisor.  The skill of listening is an incredibly important component to have when addressing conflict resolution.  Listening helps us understand different perspectives while tempering our eagerness to jump to conclusions.  Listening also allows us to pause and think, rather than react.
Mentors, I’ve said it a dozen times and I’ll say it again, this may be one of the top things you can do to help grow your career.  Mentors, advisors and coaches help provide perspective, often times an unbiased perspective to help us see the bigger picture.  This time of insight is invaluable, especially when dealing with high pressure situations. 

Action Item
Simply put – find yourself a mentor if you don’t already have one.  Successfully addressing conflict resolution is an art best learned by people who have been there and done it before.  No need to reinvent the wheel when you can learn from others who have been there and done it before.  Their successes and failures are life learning lessons that are pure goal to people who seek knowledge and wisdom to improve their own careers.  If you don’t have a mentor find one NOW!  Ask someone you respect or go to micromentor.org.

Being a successful leader often requires a set of skills which are very different than the skills which were needed to be successful in a staff level role.  When we are a staff employee, meaning we don’t have any direct reports, our focus is to ensure we do the best individual job possible.  Being in a management/ leadership role is very different.  While it’s important the manager does a good job, s/he is also responsible for a number of direct reports and therefore is responsible for their contributions as well. 

​The transition to management can either be a dream come true or a living nightmare.  Regardless of which camp you may be in it’s important to consider one thing before you make the decision to throw your hat in the ring for the next leadership opportunity:

Do you have what it takes to be an effective leader?

Before you consider a career in leadership think about how you deal with these five questions:

1. Do You Genuinely Care About Other People?
If you don’t care about others or aren’t willing to put others before yourself you’ll never be truly successful in leadership.  I choose the word ‘never’ because you may see some success early on however in the long run a lack of genuine care for the people will always bring about challenges which are near impossible to overcome.  The best leaders out there, regardless of their titles or the size of the company they work for, view and truly care about the wellbeing of their employees.  “Leaders eat last.” – Simon
 
2. How will you handle ‘The Technician Syndrome’?
This is particularly important for people in a technical capacity to consider.  The word ‘technician’ refers to a person who is in an individual contributor role focusing on hands-on technical work, such as product development, software development, etc.  When you make a transition into management you are stepping away from some or most of your daily technical hands on duties.  People who have technical backgrounds, such as engineers and those in IT, tend to struggle with this change as often times their original passion which has guided them to this point in their career was focused on being hands-on in their role, creating, building or testing things.  Once you’re in a role of leadership your focus is now more on people, not the product or technology.
 
3. Are You An Influencer or a Dictator?
What is your natural working style when you are in situations where you are working with others?  Do you listen, support and coach or are you the type that would rather just tell people what to do?  Successful leaders do more listening than they do talking.  They understand the importance of giving their people an opportunity to contribute ideas, take risks, do things their own way, etc.  Managers that don’t do this have a hard time motivating their employees as they view their employees as workers who are to be told what to do, when to do and how to do their work.
 
4. Can You Delegate?
Can you give someone else an opportunity to take on a project or work?  Are you able to allow someone else the chance to take the spot light and recognition?  Do you trust others to get the job done?  These are all important questions which tie into delegation.  Successful leaders delegate frequently because they know firsthand that it isn’t wise or feasible for them to do everything. 
 
5. Are You Willing to be a Shrink?
A very real part of management is dealing with people problems, like a shrink would, and working constantly in conflict resolution.  This aspect of the job often sends people screaming for the hills as dealing with people problems can be challenging and often viewed as a waste of time in the business world.  Successful leaders view the people interaction part of the job as an opportunity for improving themselves and their employees while further developing a deeper relationship.  They look forward to the moments to learn from, listen, coach and guide their employees.  They do this because they genuinely care about the welfare of their employees both at work and home.
 
If you’re considering going into management take the time to think about how you show up with these five questions on leadership.  What’s important to consider is that if you don’t have these intangible skills now can you develop them over time?  The answer is most definitely yes, it’ll just take time, patience and a willingness to always be listening and learning.
 
Key Takeaway: If you think or believe "people problems aren't my business and should be kept out of the office" than do yourself a favor and stay away from management career opportunities.

​Action Item: Write out your answers to these five questions and sit on the information for a week. Share it with 1-2 people close to you. After you've had time to digest the questions and your responses you will have a better idea how you feel about further considering a leadership role. Sometimes the best course of action is to take none at all which means remaining in your individual contributor role a bit longer.

Have you found yourself saying ‘Yes’ to something at work and as you said it you wished you had said ‘No’? 

This sound familiar:

Coworker: “Hey Jezebel, we’re starting a new project team to [insert mindless crap you don’t want to do] and we need an extra person.  I know you’re swamped, it’s last minute and a bit outside your work but we could really use the help.”

Jezebel: [yes, this is you] “Oh I don’t know, I’m really busy with a lot of other projects.  I’m in over my head already.”

Coworker: “C’mon, we really could use your help.  We don’t have any other options and we can’t do it without you.  Plus, you’re good at running projects.  I’ll buy you lunch too!”

Jezebel: [still you] “Ughhh, okay fine.  Just let me know when we’ll start.”

Coworker: “Right now.”

Let’s be honest here – this has happened to all of us at one point or another, and I’ve been Jezebel on more occasions than I’d care to admit.  So why do we have such a hard time saying no at work?

Here’s are the nine most common reasons why we say yes at work when no is what we’re screaming from the mountain tops, silently in our heads of course:

• We’re seeking approval
• Wanting to belong
• Cooperation/ Being a team player
• Avoiding exclusion (FOMO)
• Control
• Self-Esteem, popularity, reputation
• Fear
• Guilt
• Subjugation [all you people pleasers this is your calling card]

Saying yes when you really want to say no is indeed a problem.  According to the Harvard Business Review many of us say yes to avoid conflict at the office.  When we experience this it leaves us deflated, frustrated and stressed.  It can also lead to resentment between coworkers and an unhealthy work environment.  Sounds fantastic!

So how do we go about saying no while doing so professionally and politely?

Dr. Travis Bradley, author of the best-selling book ‘Emotional Intelligence 2.0’ and contributor for Forbes Magazine, summarizes the art of saying no beautifully in 5 steps:

1. Find Your Yes [know what’s important to you]
2. Sleep on It
3. Sandwich the No Between Two Yeses
4. Say No & Mean It [don’t beat around the bush]
5. Be Prepared to Repeat Yourself [don’t let push back push your no to a yes]

When we say no our “ability to communicate ‘no’ really reflects you’re in the drivers seat of your own life.  It gives you a sense of empowerment.” – Vanessa Patrick, Prof at University of Houston

In theory this sounds fantastic.  It’s a new sense of self.  We’re walking tall and not going to take crap from no one.  We’re almost begging for an opportunity to show off our new ‘No’ skills.  Before you go off dodging and ducking everything that comes your way at the office make sure you keep in mind two things before you consider a ‘No’:

1. Is this request important to my boss or the company?
2. Will I gain experience that is helpful to my career by doing this?

If the answer to either of these questions is yes be sure to purposefully slow your decision making down and get introspective.   

​Making decisions about your career, involvement in work at the office, supporting your boss or other management and professional opportunities up for considered is no easy task.  It’s rarely a black and white decision as moments like this love to play in the gray area.  When you’re confronted with a tough decision and you feel like you want to say no quickly think about the two questions above, assess the situation then move forward with your answer.  If ‘No’ is still the right choice be sure to follow Dr. Bradberry’s advice to ensure your no lands as best as possible with your audience.

​Is the grass always greener on the other side?

We quit our jobs with the idea of leaving for green pastures only to find out that the new job we just landed is just as bad if not worse than the last.  Yikes! 

Why does this happen?

Simply, we made a decision without fully understanding the ‘why’ behind it.

When we’re at a point in our careers where we’re considering leaving our employer typically one or more of the following is happening:

1. We don’t like our boss
2. Our work isn’t recognized or appreciated
3. The environment isn’t right for us
4. The money isn’t justifying the work or commitment
5. Personal (moving out of town, looking for fewer responsibilities to reduce stress, etc.)

Sound familiar?

These are the top five answers people share on why they resigned from their employer. 

When we’re frustrated at work, especially if it has been going on a while, all too often we’re ready to jump ship without checking first if we have a life preserver on.  The first opportunity that comes along meeting our ‘minimum qualifications’ can appear to be a god send.  We yell out, “where have you been all my life” as we go through the interview process with our new prospective employer hoping they’ll give us the chance to say “Adios” to our current employer.

But wait!  How much research and investigation did we do ahead of time to ensure our hopeful new employer is better than the last?  Does it meet our needs?  Do we even know what our needs are?

Here in lies the trap many of us fall into.  We convince ourselves that what we have (our job or employer) is crap and anything else that presents itself is therefore exceptionally better than the last.  We dive into the new opportunity to get away from the old to find ourselves quickly back into the same situation we were in before.

How could this be? (it certainly isn’t our fault because it never is)

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news – if you’ve experienced this it is indeed your fault.  Now, let’s be fair, maybe no one ever taught you how to go about finding a new job and ensuring it met your needs.  If that’s the case consider this first situation ‘my bad’ and moving forward use the following steps to better understand what you need and how to get it with a new job:

Step #1: Self Reflection – take time to better understand where your unhappiness comes from.  Without knowing this it will be very difficult to improve your situation

Step #2: Honesty – are you giving your current job everything you can?  If not then you’re putting yourself at risk of running from one issue to another, just at another company

Step #3: List Your Expectations – write out a list of 5-10 things you want in a career and employer.  Your top #1-3 should be non-negotiable no matter what

Step #4: List of New Employers – if you’ve decided it’s time to move on build a list of companies in the area you want to work which meet your needs, at a minimum your non-negotiables.  This information can be obtained by speaking with current employees of those companies or reading reviews online.

Step #5: Network – this is the biggest misstep of all.  Many times we don’t do this which means we aren’t getting a good enough perspective of what is going on within the industry we want to work in.  Networking builds our connections and insight for businesses in the area we’re trying to find our next employment.  It can also help us land a new gig.

Step #6: Confirm Expectations – when you get to the point of interviewing with a new company make sure to ask them how they show up with the list of items you have created that are important to you.  Ask every person you meet within the company.  If their answers don’t jive with your expectations this isn’t the right company for you.

Step #7: Show Up – if you do decide to take a new job with a company that meets your new set of expectations it is imperative that you show up and give them everything you’ve got.  150%.  During this time you should also be making mental notes to see if your new employer is in fact upholding their commitments to your expectations.  Caution – when you’re new it is a 50/50 split of responsibility where both parties have to come to the table to make the employer/ employee relationship work.  Don’t just sit back and expect your new employer to drool all over you and praise you without you showing up in the new job accordingly.  Praise, respect and opportunity are earned – never given for free.
 
Unhappy at your job?  Looking for a new one? 

Before you act on it make sure you understand why you’re in your present situation before you get into a new one.  Once you know what you want it will be much easier to find the right opportunity rather than the first opportunity.